Crew Fillerup.
My nephew was born on October 4th.
But the angels missed him too much, so they called him back to play.
You never really think that anything like this will happen to your family. And its crazy how when it does, suddenly everything else disappears, nothing else matters. Obligations, school, money, sleep, boys, time, nothing matters. All that matters in that moment is your family and you realize you would do anything on this planet for them.
Emily, my sissy, found out on Monday that Crew no longer had a heartbeat.
Nothing in this world could hurt worse than to see someone you love so much laying in a hospital bed in pain and heart broken with your brother, her husband, standing next to her equally as heart broken and devastated. I’ve never once seen my brother cry, and it ripped my heart into a million tiny pieces.
Emily still had to deliver the baby and Little Crew came out at 12:23pm
He was the tiniest, most perfect boy you have ever seen.
The most amazing part was seeing all the tiny details that were just so amazingly perfect. His little hands and fingernails, toenails, his second toe bigger than the first (mamas boy), his little gums inside his mouth, his tiny ears, his calves (totally carl and grandpa jonnys calves), his long legs (like carl and ems), just everything about this little boy was so amazing.
Its insane how you can become so unbelievably attached to a baby that isn’t even yours. I craved so badly to hold him and for him to come home with us and to be my first nephew and watch Carl and Emily be parents. I craved Friday nights when Carl and Em go out and I could babysit him. I craved watching him grow up and being a part of his life. I craved everything about that little boy. The future with my nephew I spent endless hours upon hours daydreaming about was now gone. The worst part was, I knew the pain I was feeling was infinity times worse for my brother and his wife. There is absolutely nothing worse than knowing family members hearts are breaking and there is nothing you can do to stop it except be there.
I’ve never seen a baby that tiny, only 1 pound and not fully developed, and it gave me a new perspective on everything. Heavenly Father gave us the power to do that, to create such perfect beings, love them to pieces, and raise them on this earth. I can’t fully comprehend how amazing that is. I’ve always known this, but seeing Crew it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I got so overwhelmed just seeing the big picture of everything. The spirit was so unbelievably strong in that room with baby Crew, his spirit filled the room. I keep breaking down and just crying remembering it and praying that I will never forget what his spirit felt like or what he looked like. It was perfection.
Although, it was such a sad, heart breaking day, my brother and sisters first baby boy is waiting for them in heaven. He is taking care of his brothers and sisters that Carl and Emily will have someday soon and telling them how perfect their mom and dad are. He is watching over our family. He is probably in heaven playing sports with those calves and waiting for his dad to come play with him and for his mom to come and cheer.
I cant understand how anyone could go through something like this without the knowledge of the gospel. We are so lucky to know that this was not the last time they will get to hold their son. This life is so short and they will be with Crew for eternity one day. He was just too perfect for this world and our Heavenly Father just missed him too much and needed him back.
Em and Carl.
You are the most amazing parents.
You both are so strong and your testimonies are seriously so inspiring to everyone.
You have the most perfect little family that is going to continue to grow and your first son is waiting for you in the Celestial Kingdom.
I love you so so so much 🙂
**if you want to read Emily’s post and see more pics of Crew click here:
(i’ve read it 100 times. i read it over and over. its so amazing. she is perfect. they are perfect.)

Photos from Baby Crew.

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  1. Amber I’m very sorry I was a premie to I weighted 1pd 12oz October 12,2002 I’m 13 now and I was supposed to be born in January I was the length of an average pen. ❤️

  2. Amber I am so sorry for your loss, you and your family have been in my prayers, I am so touch for what you and your family are going thru… I am amazed of your sister in law and brother’s strength and faith in this Gospel.
    I love you cute girl.

  3. Amber, I love you, and your family so much. This is so heartbreaking, but at the same time, so amazing, to know that the gospel is true. You guys have been so so strong, and I admire you for that. I love you so much

  4. Amber this was so heart breaking to see and read. I am so sorry for you and your family. Hang in there, you are an amazing person!

  5. kelsey- i will of course send my love to them from you 🙂 so true what you said, its definitely not fair and i feel so awful for both of them. they are being so stong its unreal. i will pass on your sweet message! xoxo

    jenna- you just always make my day. so sweet what you said about the cousins 🙂 i sure hope so! love you tons girl.

    rachel- so nice of you to take the time to read it and tell me it inspired you! im so glad. you are the sweetest. i hope youre having fun on your study abroad! xoxo

    natalie- arent they just amazing? its unreal how strong they are i dont know how they do it! so inspiring. you are such a good sis to emily and she always brags about you 🙂 i love you both so so much.

  6. What a sweet post amber…aren’t Emily and Carl amazing? I have quite the amazing sister, she has always been and will always be my very best friend, and Carl is the most awesome brother in law ever. These past 4 days have been SO hard on so many levels, and yet I have felt a peace also knowning that because of the Gospel and the covenants that are made in the temple that crew will be part of their and our forever families! What a cute pie he is, I will never forget the time I got to spend holding him and looking at his cute little features that were totally carl and emily. I just love him. I love emily and carl so much! what strong, strong examples they are to us all. I feel so blessed to have them in my forever family. love you too amber

  7. amber. i am so so sorry for your loss. i really cried reading this and i want you to know that your testimony and story really inspired me today! your family is so lucky to have you in this horribly sad situation. ill keep them in my prayers.

  8. I should have not read this during class…. both posts were perfect, beautiful, and so well written. It takes an amazing family to not only get through something as heartbreaking as this, but also to get through it with such an amazing outlook on it. Both you and your sister’s amazing attitude really put everything into perspective. The words you’ve said will bless and give peace and hope to so many people. Including me! I can’t wait for your family to get to be with Crew again! It’ll will be such a happy day! He’s not only up in heaven with his siblings but with his cousins too! Telling them how amazing their mom is and probably bragging he already got to meet you.Stay strong. You are amazing Amber!

  9. Hey Amber its kelsey Hammond (Reader). I can’t seem to get my emmotions together after reading this. I had no idea this happened. No one should ever have to go through something like this. We are so lucky to have the Gosple. Heavely Father must hold carl and his wife at such a high standard to have this be one of their trials. I just can’t beleive this happened to my friend! Please tell Carl I’m praying for him and his beautiful wife. My heart aches for her especially. This physical toll it takes on your body is just not fair, especially if you don’t get to take the baby home. Man, Im a bawlin mess over here. Sorry for the novel I just love your brother so much and I’m just so sorry this has happened. I’ll be sending massive amounts of prayers your family’s way. love you guys 🙂